


143

by Weaselandcherry



Series: I Like Me Better [3]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Relationship Discussions, Relationship Issues, Relationship Problems, Self-Doubt, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Working through feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-01-31 11:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21445153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weaselandcherry/pseuds/Weaselandcherry
Summary: One more shot at kissing Jihyun couldn’t hurt, right? It wasn’t like she could avoid the situation forever, and maybe Zen was right.Maybe Jihyun was just shy.
Relationships: V & Main Character (Mystic Messenger), V | Kim Jihyun & Main Character, V | Kim Jihyun/Original Female Character(s), V/Main Character (Mystic Messenger)
Series: I Like Me Better [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544650
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	143

**Author's Note:**

> Done with finals tomorrow!! Yippee. Good luck to those who still have finals.  
My mind's a bit blurry on how V and Rika met, so if I'm wrong, tell me and I'll fix it; otherwise, enjoy!

MC hadn’t ever been one for keeping count, especially when it came to relationship markers, but she did roughly know that Jihyun and her had officially been together for almost a year and three months. It was a shaky start considering she had to relearn everything about Jihyun after he came back- not that he was a completely different person, but it seemed he had evolved and changed. Like how one was different from their eighteen-year-old self when forty. He was the same, just a tweaked version.

She also had to divulge in a lot of her own self, things that Jihyun wasn’t privy to beforehand because he was either gone or because they were just friends. Among things disclosed, she had shared how she had a handful of relationships before and even dated a few people while he was gone. She was a little scared of his reaction when telling him the latter. It wasn’t as if they were in a relationship, but she felt as if she did have a connection- some sort of tie to Jihyun. Try as she might, nothing ever moved past a second date.

In turn, she had asked about his relationship history. She didn’t know if she should have been shocked or not, but he had only had two relationships, one of which… well, she was quite familiar with. His first one, the one that didn’t end in a literal blow up, had happened when he was in college and didn’t last more than three months. He had claimed the relationship was awkward and they worked better as friends.

Apparently, Jihyun wasn’t the dating type either because there was little action between each relationship. She found that a bit strange but shrugged it off. It wasn’t as if everyone was an active relationship seeker. Jumin definitely wasn’t.

Jihyun and her had good rhythm after a few months. They just worked. There was a system for going to meet up with others, going to the movies, grocery shopping, and even working around both of their schedules. They had planned date days that were almost always kept, the exception being if Jihyun was out of town for work or there was an emergency, in which case they would simply move the date forward or backwards.

MC was really a stickler for consistency and always made sure she texted goodnight before heading off to bed, something Jihyun claimed was very sweet. A particular thing he liked to do in turn was to send her something each day, whether it be a photograph, snippet of his piano rehearsal, or some sketch he did that day.

It made her incredibly happy that he felt comfortable showing her something she knew he felt was very personal. It was a hard thing for him to do, being vulnerable. Usually, he expressed it in physical forms, very rarely showing it on his face or through expression. It was like there was still something there she wasn’t quite getting, but she was willing to wait patiently for it. MC would stay the course because Jihyun was worth it, because she loved him.

And she told him that.

He had told her that he loved her too. He only said those three exact words two other times. The rest of the times were skirted around, like when he said he loved it when she would sometimes hold her chopsticks wrong or when he claimed the only reason he lets her win at cards is because he loves her. Eventually, MC concluded he either found it hard to say “I love you” or he thought the words so scared he only used them sparsely.

She knew he loved her though, and she made it well known to Jihyun that she loved him, so she was still a bit confused as to why he always treated her as if they were on their second date- a very comfortable second date.

They held hands, curled up next to each other when watching television, leaned their heads on one another, and everything in between hair playing and brushing teeth while the other was in the shower. Kisses were something else entirely. In a fond moment, Jihyun would easily kiss her shoulder, forehead, nose, and everywhere else but her lips. She found it was only when she knew he was overwhelmed with love or unbelievably delighted did he press his lips onto hers and smile into it. They were short but MC cherished every bit of them.

She didn’t want to push and was scared to rush into anything because Jihyun was anything she could have ever wanted and then some. In the beginning of their relationship, she figured it was because they needed to wait and relearn each other before thinking about anything other than hugging, in her opinion. She also had feelings she had to work through. Then close to a year in, she thought maybe he wasn’t comfortable yet considering the last woman he was with was Rika and they had been together for a pretty long length. Patient was her middle name though, so she simply waited.

Around the year mark was when MC started to get a bit nervous, a bit… insecure. Intimacy wasn’t exactly on her mind twenty-four-seven, but she had begun to wonder… and she didn’t like any of the thoughts her mind conjured up.

She wanted to talk to him about it but didn’t want to sound needy or worry him into thinking something completely outlandish, like he was doing something wrong.

A month ago, she did cave in and finally told someone- the only one who could probably give her some helpful advice: Zen.

Everyone else in the RFA were moot point. Jaehee would definitely not work in this situation. Talking about it with Yoosung made her uncomfortable. Saeyoung… was just a no. Jumin was definitely a red X because no way was she going to bring up such a personal subject to the man who never had an inkling of passion for a woman. Her only good picks were between Saeran and Zen, and she ended up picking Zen because of his experience and the fact that Saeran was like Jihyun’s unofficial kid.

Zen had been a good listener and had suggested what she had been putting off, but she felt like it was too late in their relationship to start suddenly asking about something as simple as physical intimacy. He had then asked if she had ever tried initiating anything and she thought back on every kiss given. No. She hadn’t. It was strange realizing that.

So the week after they talked, MC tried.

They had just got done cleaning up after dinner and drying the dishes when she leaned in to kiss him. A sign of her thankfulness and adoration.

She didn’t know if it was bad luck or she wasn’t being obvious enough in her attempt, but her lips were simply ignored and sidestepped with Jihyun claiming he was going to wash up.

MC tried again, this time, a little more smoothly. She had just woken up from a short nap at his apartment to find him lying on his side looking at her in such a way that made her heart flutter. He leaned in the short inches it was to her face and gently kissed her brow, uttering a “good afternoon”. She figured now was a good opportunity and jutted her chin out as Jihyun pulled back.

She felt him stiffen and heard his breath still. Her kissing him was nothing like when he did it. She was excited to try before but after… she felt her motivation wilt and quickly pulled back. He left her, claiming he was going to make them a snack.

The stiff way he moved and the falseness of his voice unnerved her, so after that, she didn’t try kissing him again. Perplexed and feeling somewhat inadequate was how MC felt the weeks after, and now, she was dejectedly sitting on her bed, confused on how to get the answers she wanted. Her phone pinged a familiar ring, and she entered her password for the RFA app and opened her unread messages.

**ZEN**: I mean, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.

**ZEN**: Maybe you should try again?

**MC**: Because last time it went so well.

**ZEN**: Maybe he had a bad day or something!

**ZEN**: Even people like Jihyun can screw up every once and awhile.

**ZEN**: Or

**ZEN**: maybe he was just surprised.

**MC**: Surprised.

**MC**: At me kissing him?

**MC**: It’s not like I’m a stranger.

**ZEN**: No. But you did say you never initiated anything.

**ZEN**: Maybe it caught him off guard.

**MC**: He’s got a funny way of being surprised.

**MC**: You should’ve seen the way he reacted…

**ZEN**: MC… you know,

**ZEN**: you should just talk to him.

**ZEN**: Just thinking about it can only get you so far.**  
****  
****ZEN**: Who knows what anyone’s really thinking

**ZEN**: especially a guy like Jihyun.

**MC**: ...

**MC**: I guess one more time wouldn’t hurt…

**MC**: If all goes to Hell I’ll just finally have a conversation with Jihyun.

**ZEN**: MC

**MC**: ???

**ZEN**: I think you should go all the way.

**MC**: All the what-

**MC**: Wait

**MC**: Are you out of your mind???**  
****  
****MC**: It’s hard enough with a kiss.

**ZEN**: Just hear me out.

**ZEN**: I think a kiss is only the beginning of your question.

**ZEN**: If he rejects you from doing that

**ZEN**: -something every hot-blooded male desires-

**ZEN**: then you really have every reason to worry.

**ZEN**: Who knows, maybe his beast is super tamed.

**ZEN**: Or shy, lolol

**ZEN**: With one kiss, he might become unhinged.

**ZEN**: Maybe that's why hasn't tried anything!

**MC**: Not everyone’s like you Zen ;;

She locked her phone, not bothering to check her inbox when she head it ping once more. Settling into her bed she mulled over her conversation with Zen.

One more shot at kissing Jihyun couldn’t hurt, right? It wasn’t like she could avoid the situation forever, and maybe Zen was right. Maybe Jihyun was just shy. He was quite reserved in showing outward displays of affection while in public. Even when around other members of the RFA he was modest, only going so far as to place a hand on her or taking her arm or hand up.

MC was young but she realized not so long ago that she wanted to have a family with Jihyun someday; it was a bit disconcerting to realize that part. She wanted kids with this man.

As exciting as the thought was, she knew it couldn’t happen if it was difficult just getting a kiss.

Panicking wasn't necessary though; maybe he needed more cues or just more of a push. She could do that. MC straightened up, determined to not get discouraged.

Her opportunity came sooner than she thought.

She was over at Jihyun’s apartment, lounging on his couch as she waited for him to get back from having dinner with his father.

Ever since their dinner a couple of months ago, their contact with one another was less sporadic and… well, it was better than it was before. They had phone conversations at least once a week, and even though things still sounded awkward and off kilter, like a choir with one boisterous, off key singer, they were at least trying.

Jihyun had told her they still had issues and conflicting perspectives to wade through but made it known that he was glad to finally be speaking with his father.

The days leading up to the dinner with his father, MC noticed he seemed to be a little brighter. She wanted to see him like that all the time in concerns to his family.

MC groaned at the fifth commercial in a row and went back to looking at gift ideas for everyone for Christmas. It was in a couple of months, but the date always seemed to sneak up on her.

The sound of the front door unlocking then opening drew her attention away from her search. Putting her phone aside on the side table, MC sat up straighter and pulled the edges of her blanket closer around her. His silence was odd, and MC gazed at the entrance of the living room with curious eyes but waited for his appearance.

When he did enter, his face was the opposite of how it looked before he left. Jihyun looked exhausted and had his lips pressed thinly together. It was clear something had happened since leaving.

A smile was pointed her way, but it came out so flat it quickly waned.

“Hello, MC.” He moved to sit next to her. MC pressed her back against the arm of the couch and reached over the table next to her to lower the volume of the television.

“What happened?” Her frown mirrored his.

He took a seat on the middle cushion and gave a small sigh before running a hand through his short fringe. His gaze remained on the floor. “My father and I had a disagreement of sorts.” MC sat up, more attentive now.

Her head tilted before carefully asking, “What about?” This time he shot her a look before flicking it to the cooking show on the screen.

“You.” Her brows shot up.

“What?”  
  
“Well.” An uneasy expression passed over his face. “Not only that.”  
  
Her body leaned more towards him in order to look at his face properly. “What happened, Jihyun?”

The ends of his cardigan twisted in his fingers. “He asked about how you were and how our relationship was… then he asked when I was going to settle down.” Oh, no. She could see where things might have turned south. “When was I going to have kids. I told him that was our decision and not having children is also our decision to make. He said I’m almost thirty, so I should at least be engaged. I didn’t mean to- I-I said something I shouldn’t have.”

Their gazes finally aligned. He looked ashamed, and MC worried about what that meant. She knew Jihyun had somewhat of a mean streak as a kid but…

“What did you say?” she cautiously asked.

His teeth tugged at his bottom lip. “I told him I was engaged three years ago.” MC could’ve winced. Jihyun had explained to her how he didn’t end up telling his father he was engaged until a few months after proposing. He told her his father got upset and said that telling him was the least he could do considering he paid for the art program that allowed him to get the spot in the exposition that led him to meet Rika. MC did think it was a harsh thing to throw back in a child’s face, but under all that coldness, she heard hurt.

They both were hurting. His father was hurt about being left out. Jihyun was hurt by his lack of care and from his father not reaching out during the whole Mint Eye plight. It was all over the media; Rika’s picture, trial, and evidence against her were hard to ignore if one clicked to any news station, so it was a shock to hear that mum was the word when it came to his father. Even with their differences and all of Jihyun’s secrets back then… His father still thought Rika had died and then all of a sudden she was alive and running a cult?

MC couldn’t wrap her head around how the man thought it was acceptable to not reach out and ask if his son was marginally okay. Jihyun’s step-mother and sister even got in touch with him.

“He… commented about how well that turned out then asked why he hadn’t officially met you yet…” A hand went up to rub at the back of his head. “I told him we should focus on our relationship first before introducing you, but… he was very insistent.”

An apologetic look crossed his face and he looked uncomfortable and troubled about not being able to convince his father. MC felt uneasy at the thought of meeting his father at some formal restaurant in nice clothes, his voice all business and his demeanor interrogative-like.

MC didn’t like being backed into a corner. She either grew meek or stood up for herself. It was fifty-fifty. If she could help it, she wouldn’t want to leave it to chance, but it didn’t sit right to just abandon Jihyun when he needed her support.

“Hey,” she placed a hand on his shoulder, “It’s okay. If he wants to meet, we can do that.” He looked at her, worried.  
  
“I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or forced. Just because my father wills it…” She shook her head, defiantly.

“No. I can handle it. It was about time we sat down and talked anyway.” A small smile tugged at her lips. As nervous as his father made her, MC also wanted to make sure that Jihyun wasn’t going to end up getting hurt in the long run. A dinner with the businessman would either assuage or intensify her concerns.

She watched as his face softened into relief. “Thank you, MC,” he breathed. “I’ll inform my father. You can always decide not to attend anytime- even a minute beforehand. I’d never want to put you in a precarious situation.”

MC looked at him with caring eyes. “Jihyun, I’d do anything for you if it helped you in anyway. You’ve supported me and stood by my side in so many things. It only feels right in my heart to do the same. There’s no need to thank me because I love you.” She smiled tenderly. A speechless face stared back at her then smoothed into one of affection.

“I don’t know what to say,” he huffed out amused.

She joked, “Did I stun the great V?” He just chuckled.

“Maybe,” he teasingly trailed off not looking away from her eyes, and then MC knew. She knew now was her chance. Jihyun was now in a good mood, there were no disruptions, and MC was feeling pretty awake in the moment, and luckily, she didn’t smell wine on Jihyun’s breath either. That would’ve halted her plan for sure.

He was none the wiser as she leaned in, probably thinking she was moving in for a hug. As she slipped her eyes closed, thoughts on whether or not she should abandon her mission rang in her head, but she tried not to psych herself out and went in for the kill.

The cold, tense feeling felt familiar, and she felt herself grow disappointed at the lack of response. Her pressure lessened and was moving back to halt her actions completely but stilled when she felt Jihyun hesitantly press back. Her heart almost skipped a beat. Silently ecstatic, she mentally noted to thank Zen the next time she talked with him.

Excited to finally have her first experience of actually kissing _ with _ Jihyun, she moved her hand from his shoulder to the side of his face. His head slightly cringed from her touch, but MC carried on considering he didn’t completely retreat.

The kiss was awkward and new but MC didn’t mind. Her other hand moved to brace her weight on his far shoulder as she tilted her head to intensify the kiss.

He froze up, and she felt his body stiffen before a sharp inhale cut through the moment. Before she knew it, his head snapped to the side, his chest heaving at an alarming rate. The shaky breaths coming from him scared her, and MC couldn’t help but immediately jerk herself as far away from him.

She swallowed thickly and opened her mouth to say something, anything. Nothing but air came out.

“I’m sorry,” Jihyun whispered, breathing still unstable, sounding like he just walked five flights of stairs.

MC was speechless, stunned, and everything in between. For some reason, his reaction made her want to cry.

“Do you love me, Jihyun?” The question flew from her mouth easily enough given her dazed state. Disbelief over what she had actually asked came as an aftershock. That wasn’t how she wanted to address the situation. That wasn’t how she pictured the conversation starting.

When he turned his head to look at her, the feeling in the back of her throat grew stronger. He looked pained to have even been asked that.

“Of course I do,” he quietly spoke, breathing seemingly better under control.

She squeezed her fist with her hand. “Then why won’t you kiss me like that?” He stared at her then straightened his head before looking down at his lap. Her hands moved closer to her chest. “Do you…” Her voice dwindled down to a hushed tone, “Do you even want to have sex with me?”

There, she had finally asked the question that stuck and clung to the back of her mind like a bad piece of gum on the bottom of a shoe. It was a muddy and grimy question. MC felt so stupid just thinking about it when she were home alone, but saying it aloud?- she felt like a fool. Except, she was slowly growing fearful because Jihyun wasn't saying anything. He merely squinted his eyes with an unreadable expression on his face.

“I-” He hesitated, and MC sprung up from her position on the couch, letting the blanket slide to the floor.

“Is that why you almost never say you love me?” Her bottom lip quivered, and she turned her back on him to walk a few feet away to collect herself.

“I do say it.”  
  
“No,” she turned around, “You’ve only said ‘I love you’ _three_ _times_, Jihyun.” He glanced back down, retreating into his safety net of demureness. It almost made her angry. She wanted him to say that she was wrong and reassure her, but he hardly said anything.

“You- you barely touch me. You kiss me but they’re more like love pecks than anything a normal boyfriend would give, and when I try you get so stiff, like you don’t even want to touch me. Do you know how hurtful that feels- to be rejected so coldly like that by the person you love?

"If you aren’t attracted to me then that’s all you had to say instead of…” Her eyes burned as she watched his shoulders droop and cave in as she spoke. “Instead of letting me believe we could start a family together.”

She could barely make out the wide eyed expression that snapped up at her. “Why did you have to wait so long to make me realize?” she implored, the fight to not cry right then and there evident in her voice.

He sounded overwhelmed and lost when he finally spoke. "I'm sorry, I didn't think-" He stopped abruptly before continuing, "I didn't know that... was what you wanted."

"What I wanted?" She frowned, incredulous. "It's been over a _year_ now."

He stuttered, "I-I know. I'm sorry I pulled away like that." His hands started fidgeting with the corner of his cardigan aggressively. "I'm not used to that anymore.” His brows furrowed in reflection before quickly speaking, “If that’s what you need, MC, I can do it.” Her tears blinked away at his odd wording, and she felt slightly perplexed.  
  
"What are you _ talking _ about, Jihyun? You should want to have sex with me, not treat it like, like some chore.” He winced.

Weakly, he defended, “But it’s what you want, right?” His voice drifted into a fragile whisper, “Need in order to stay…” It was as if the floor had dropped from right under her, pulling her stomach and breath along with it. Jihyun thought they were finished if they weren’t sexually intimate, and the fact that, that conclusion was the only one he saw in the end made her want to cry for a whole other reason.

“What?” she uttered astounded and heartbroken. “I know it won’t happen overnight but,” she took a step closer to the photographer who had returned his gaze to his still restless hands, “Can’t we just work on it?” MC crossed the couple feet it took to sit back down in her previous spot on the couch. She minded her distance and wrapped her hands around her upper arms. “What’s happening up there, Jihyun?” she inquired, gingerly. “You can always be honest with me in how you feel.”

His head turned to face her once more, the look in his eyes almost begging her to hold her to that promise. It were as if he thought she’d run out the front door or disappear from his sight. The silent expression made MC want to hold his hand to console him, but she was afraid of scaring him, of closing up, so she refrained.

“How do you feel?” she gently prodded as she watched him sit, visibly stressed while arranging his thoughts for a minute.

“You’re right.” She held back in responding and just listened. “I don’t want to,” he whispered, keeping eye contact with his guilty blues. “And… I don’t want to kiss like that either.”  
  
“Is it me?” MC asked in a small voice. The humorless, self-deprecating huff unsettled her.

“No.” He lightly shook his head, gaze wandering down before picking back up. “It’s me.”

“You?” she repeated, unconfident of what he was getting at.

His spine straightened up a fraction before continuing, “I’ve never felt any desire to go any further than I already have. I’ve always been like this.” MC was unsure at whether or not she should be happy that there wasn’t anything wrong with her or if she should feel saddened that Jihyun felt as if there was with him. “I’m actually,” he bit his lip, “Quite uncomfortable with it all.”

Her mind rewound back to all three reactions to her trying to kiss him, the avoidance, the statue-like composure, and the unresponsiveness. Thinking that he felt so submerged in negative feelings that he reacted so severely to her advances a few minutes ago made her feel lower than dirt.  
  
She felt so stupid, there were obvious signs before that illustrated how uncomfortable he had been but she ignored them. Instead of having a conversation and avoiding this whole mess, MC had acted, self-seeking and thoughtless.

Honestly, they should’ve had this conversation months ago.

Something was itching in the back of her brain though, something he had stated earlier. There was a niggling pinch at the same time, pressing her to not ask because she knew the possible answers. “You don’t like intimacy but earlier,” her face pinched in contemplation, “You said you weren’t used to it _ anymore _… What did you mean?”

It felt like her heart was going to thud out of her chest, it beat so hard with apprehension. Jihyun looked at her with dread and anxiety and gave the smallest impression of feeling betrayed that MC would ask him to answer that. She almost voiced her disregard for the question when she saw one of his eyes well up but before she could change her mind, he thickly answered, “I had been intimate before.”

Her lip wobbled but she reigned in the strong urge to cry and instead dug her grave ten feet deeper. “Willingly?”

“I-” He seemed to rethink his response. “Yes.”

She twisted her head to the side, unable to continue looking at him without wanting to cry. He didn’t have to specifically say it aloud in order for her to infer what he meant. He had been every way with Rika that MC had wanted to be with him, and if it were up to Jihyun alone, she’d never experience it, too. She knew his response wasn’t going to do her feelings any good in the long run, but she wanted to know.

The truth stung.

MC had never been jealous of Rika, but in the beginning of her joining the RFA, she felt such heavy expectations put upon her. At one point, she felt like they saw her as only a replacement and not as her own self, but once she molded her place into the group, her doubts faded away. Except now, the insecurity crept back into her brain. She hated to compare people, but it was what she found herself doing in that very moment.

Jihyun said he never had an inclination to be intimate, yet he confirmed what she feared. What was it about Rika that made him at least try? She knew they had something together that even she couldn’t explain, and she had tried to pick both of their brains about their relationship in the past. Hell, she even had nosebleed seats to it.

Was she missing something?- something Rika carried that allowed for her to see and experience something so cherished and private?

“It wasn’t because I wanted to.” Her thoughts ceased at the feeble voice. “I mean, I consented but… I didn’t like it.” MC turned her head back to watch him stare at nothing in particular, apparently not present. “I just wanted Rika to be happy.”

“You can’t do that!” MC yelled, all of a sudden very hurt and very angry. Jihyun flinched, shocked. “You can’t do something like _ that _!” Tears blurred her vision. “Do you know how incredibly selfish that is?!”

As skewed as Rika’s thoughts had gotten, MC had the distinct impression that the women wouldn’t have liked hearing any of this. She knew Rika would have been mortified at learning that Jihyun felt pressured. The guilt would probably cause another breakdown.

“To know I…” Her anger thinned out leaving her to wallow in pain. “I kissed you like that. A moment ago you looked like you were struggling just to breathe.” A tear finally slipped down her face, and he looked ashamed. “How am I going to know you don’t like something if you don’t tell me?” She held a fist to her mouth, not wanting any sounds to come out that would prompt her to cry more than she already had. “You broke my heart, Jihyun. I never want to make you feel like that.”

“I’m sorry,” he croaked. “I'm… I thought I was flawed. I didn’t want you to think I was too.”

“Stop saying that…” She frowned, with a tremble but tried speaking with a lighter tone after removing her fist, “It’s okay." MC nodded to herself. "We understand each other better now, right?” Jihyun faintly nodded, still tense, still emotional. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you sooner. I’m sorry you didn’t feel safe enough to confide in me.”

MC watched him open his mouth, probably to put more blame on himself and disregard his own feelings, but she quieted whatever words he had prepared when she lovingly placed both hands on the sides of his face. “You know there’s nothing wrong with you, right, Jihyun?” She tried to quell the thoughts she knew were probably rattling around in that head of his. It didn’t work because he grimly smiled at her.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, MC.”

“It’s okay.”

“You deserve more.”  
  
“Hey.” She leaned in and touched her forehead with his. Up close, she could feel how shallow his breathing was and how it hitched sporadically as if he were crying on the inside. “I want _ you _.”

Absorbing her declaration, all the remaining questions that swam in his eyes quieted when he slipped his eyes shut. Questions she knew that sounded like: “Are you sure?”; “Do you really want someone like me?”; “You can always change your mind.”

She never liked Jihyun talking about himself like that, as if he was someone lesser. To her he was what made her feel as if she could take on the world and weather any storm. He was her lighthouse. He was reliable and warm, willing to cut out a path through the thickest smog for her to travel back to him. He was home.

Every apology he uttered was unnecessary. She already made room in her heart for all his quirks and faults and everything else that made up Kim Jihyun. MC willingly took him as he was.

She didn't say anything more to him. Rather, she took up his hand and stood. There was no resistance as she pulled him along to the back bedroom.

They passed the closed door to his studio and one more that was some unused office space before reaching the end of the hallway.

Her foot nudged the cracked door even further prior to leading them inside his room. Despite there being close to no trinkets or personal items in the room, Jihyun had still somehow managed to uproot it's picture perfect design. It never bothered MC, if anything, the mess made up for the lack of personal touch and made the room looked lived in.

She nudged Jihyun in the direction of the bathroom and rearranged his bed as she waited for him to change.

When the door cracked with uncertainty, MC walked over and waited for him to open the door enough for her to reach inside and pull him along. She moved back the covers and climbed over to the other side of the bed, dutifully not separating her hand from Jihyun's.

After tugging the blankets back over them, her body shifted into a comfortable position facing the man in front of her.

He was silent and hardly moved. Her hand moved his up for her to press her lips against it.

"I love you."

The whisper made her heart want to soar and cry at the same time. He spoke it so softly, as if breaking the silence would ruin something, but MC wasn't going anywhere.

She closed her eyes, feeling more and more tired as the night's events repeated in her head. "I know."

They talked in the morning.

MC was the one who woke first which was surprising considering Jihyun's body liked to spring up like clockwork despite usually falling asleep at four in the morning some days. She was the one who got out of bed at random times. It was a testament to how emotionally drained he had been the previous night.

Not wanting to wake him, she surrendered and stayed in bed. It was an odd feeling, not having much to do, but she quickly learned to settle into the simplicity and idleness of it.

Her eyes lingered on his sleeping face, Jihyun not one for moving around once he went under. He looked like a statue and up close, MC could say he gave Zen quite the run for his money.

A small laugh caught in her throat thinking back at a time when Jumin commented how it would take an extraordinary amount of money in order to have Jihyun and him participate for a photo shoot. MC was sure she could get it for free if she only asked.

She craved to touch his face, to feel the indents and curves. It wasn't often that she could look at him so closely without feeling the intensity of his profound blues, so the minutes were cherished.

Now, she understood why she'd opened her eyes to find him looking at her so intently, so warmly. Every now and then, she'd swat at him languid and playful, calling him weird for staring at her for so long as he chuckled at her grumbling.

Bits of their conversation pinged around in her head and her throat ached at the thought of never observing him so intimately again. Her hand unknowingly squeezed his.

A foot grazed against the edge of the blanket, letting a bit of cold inside their heated space. Then Jihyun's eyes barely opened into slit. Lashes blinked slowly and tiredly for a minute and soon after his focus settled on her. His lips pulled into a somber, knowing smile before speaking, sleep slight in his voice, "We need to talk."

And they did.

He explained about how his lack of passion led to the end of his first relationship back in college. At first, he thought it was just him, but then he met Rika. He thought it would have been different with her. Again, MC wasn't completely sure how their relationship formed into… but it was obvious from the way he talked that back then, the emotion he felt about her was strong.

He gave a summary of how sometimes Rika would mention their almost nonexistent sexual life in fights and how she would always bring up having to touch him first in order to get cooperation. The explanation he provided her last night popped up in her head. Things were starting to make more and more sense.

Jihyun had stated many, many months ago, back _ then _, that his love for Rika was an obsession- if it was even considered love at all. He wanted to provide the most perfect, ideal version of love possible to someone who had never experienced it. MC guessed to him, that meant unconditional love and romantic love. It still hurt to acknowledge that he probably forced himself to go through with every kiss and every act of sex just to prove some point to himself, but she could also say she understood. It wasn't fair to either of them but she got it.

Jihyun didn't have to quite say it in clear words, but she had a feeling that his abundance of platonicness played a part in how he acted overall in their relationship: the lack of title, the sparing "I love yous", and his modesty. The puzzles were aligning in the correct slots for MC to finally understand that Jihyun probably had a different definition of love altogether.

He danced around labeling their relationship because to him nothing seemed to fit. He rarely declared he loved her because "love" wasn't the right word, but it was the only concept close enough for her to understand how he felt. The affectionate way he glanced at her or handled her spoke more than one word could express, and MC hated how she asked if he had loved her because it was so obvious he felt something so completely ineffable.

"I can't do more for you," he spoke solemnly as she played with his fingers. "I know I'm asking a lot of you."

"I can't say I'm okay with it now…" She frowned. "I mean, it's one thing to wait for something and another to find out it'll never happen." She glanced up through her short lashes. "I'll be fine. It might be hard at first but," she snorted, "I've gone this long, haven't I?"

"Don't hold back your feelings on my account."

"I'll keep you updated. Just know that right now, I accept this part of you. Things will get easier." MC gave his fingers a light squeeze.

"I… I'll do better, too," Jihyun had spoken determinedly. She had opened her mouth to rebuke him but softened her face when he explained. "I've never been good with saying exactly how I feel..."

Her lips tugged into half smile, aware of how he liked to speak in poetic wax and figurative language. It was interesting to hear, but sometimes she had to tell him to hurry his point along.

"Hm, should I perform daily serenades every morning for you?" MC grinned and rolled her eyes.

"As much as I love your voice. No." His smile matched hers. The feeling of his digits sliding in between her own made her heart flutter.

"Once a week then."

“Every other week,” she laughed.

* * *

True to his word, MC had heard a total of two "I love you's" since their talk two weeks ago. They were said back to back given how MC thought she wasn’t hearing the words come out of his mouth right, but she still counted it. Among new developments in their relationship, they now made safe words to make sure no lines were being crossed.

"Safe word."

"What? No, you can't say safe word as a safe word, Jihyun."

In addition, for the past week and a half MC noticed she would get random texts during the day from the photographer with a string of numbers: 143.

Sometimes they were tacked at the end of a message or photograph, sometimes they stood alone.

At first, she thought it was a typo or a mistaken sequence of numbers from perhaps touching the screen on accident or from fumbling, but the more it showed up, the more she had a feeling it was purposeful.

MC was still unsure which was why she didn't ask. He could've been trying out a weird text signature for all she knew.

The invitation for dinner with Jihyun’s father distracted her mind from any unanswered questions, though. When Jihyun had first informed her that his father was especially going out of his way to detour to Korea after a business trip just to break bread with them, MC's response was to stand deer in the headlights style.

The only consolation about the meeting was that the restaurant was one Jihyun would pick out. That was one thing to help ease her nerves. He'd never pick a place that would take her too much out of her element- and it didn't, but it still felt too stiff considering she had to wear a more formal dress.

Their first official introduction went as well as she could've hoped considering she didn't trip or throw up on the man. Conversation had started light, talks of the business trip flying over her head as she sipped at her soup. She did try to add in appropriate hm's and words that encouraged elaboration. When the conversation lulled to a brief silence, MC should've hightailed it out of the place. Her gut warned something was going to happen, and it was correct.

For some reason or another, Jihyun's father brought up his wife and daughter. It wasn't that MC didn't care to hear about them, but the topic was one that did not equate repose and every person at the table knew it.

She knew Jihyun needed to address issues with his family as a whole, but now was definitely not the time and most assuredly not with her next to him munching on carrots.

Luckily, he acted like a champ and took it in stride- that was, until it was her turn in the proverbial spotlight.

"So, MC." She momentarily froze, her fork hovering uncertainly over another carrot before purposely missing her aim. "My son tells me you're a student?"

She looked up. "Yes."

"What is it you study?"

She could've evaporated into nothing right then and had been content. "Well, my studies are a bit more liberal than most right now. I was doing education with a minor in psychology, but I've recently changed my major to sociology with a minor in education. I'm interested in either teaching or doing social work," she rambled. She wanted the floor to open up right then because everything she said sounded so dumb out loud. Here she was talking about careers when both men in front of her had more than that with plenty to spare.

"Both are thankless jobs," Chief Kim commented. She tensed. "I don't mean that in a patronizing way. The world has jobs that need filling by sympathetic people like you just like jobs like mine need pragmatism." Her body sunk back into the chair once more, less wary. "You are a bit younger than Jihyun, correct? What is it that stunted your progress in academia?"

Her grip tightened around her fork in being put in the center of attention. She could feel Jihyun’s eyes try to make contact with hers, but she couldn’t move her gaze away from his father’s hawk like ones.

“I had some personal issues to work through,” she answered carefully, not completely trusting that he wouldn’t twist her words.  
  
“Personal.” He hm’ed and took a sip of his water. “Financial?” He gave her an expectant look.

“Part of it was… I also had family problems.”  
  
“Are you not close with your family?”  
  
“It’s a bit complicated but right now… I only have my grandfather and aunt to rely on.” A nod was her only response, and she hoped she satisfied his curiosity for the moment.

“It’s important to have a support system in place for when you start your own family.” MC could’ve winced at that segue. “My son is almost thirty.” She saw Jihyun make an expression. “When is it you plan on having children? After you graduate?”

Honestly, MC had no clue what to say. It wasn’t that the topic of children never came up but when it did they only talked about how many kids they wanted. Jihyun wanted two, claiming it was sometimes lonely growing up in a big house all by himself. She didn’t comment about how he wasn’t totally an only child anymore. She on the other hand could deal with two but one was perfectly fine with her.

MC did feel that the discussion needed to go deeper now since having a child in the more traditional way was out of the question, but she didn’t think they were in any rush. Jihyun didn’t seem like it so neither was she. A firm believer in life coming as organically as it could, she didn’t press upon the issue, but here she was expecting to have all the answers.  
  
She knew Jihyun would forgive her for saying something so resolute given the nature of his father, but she didn’t want to say anything that could be used in future exchanges, so her mind fished for the right sequence of vague words that could tie over the conversation for another date.

“I think both of us being in a good place individually is the first step.” The corner’s of the man’s lips turned down far enough for her to guess he wasn’t pleased with that response.

“If you speak career wise it might be a substantial amount of time for you in comparison to Jihyun who is already established.”

“Father, even I have room to improve upon,” Jihyun spoke up.

“I hope you won’t wait forever. It has been over a year, and you two aren’t even formally committed to one another. Is there an issue? Your relationship is supposedly serious, yes?”

She swallowed. “I’m in no hurry.”  
  
“Perhaps you should be.”  
  
Her heart beat faster and her hands clammed up. Attempting to steel herself, her jaw tensed up.

“You can’t rush these things,” Jihyun calmly explained, but his father was hearing none of it.

“Is it because she’s so young? Maybe you should have picked someone more in your lane.” MC watched as Jihyun’s face quickly smoothed over into impassivity. It was really disconcerting. She’d never really seen him look like that too often, but he had shut down, and she couldn’t help but wonder if this was what fifteen-year-old Jihyun was like when he spoke. It was a wonder if Jumin learned from him or the other way around. Either way, she felt bad for all the poor children who had to interact with the younger him.

“How old was Sung Kyung-ha when you married?” MC had to bite her lip from making any range of expressions from laughing to having wide eyes to leaving her mouth agape at the audacity of his words.

She could literally see the metaphorical sparks between the two as they clashed. MC had never seen up close how they interacted with one another, but she sure as hell didn't want front row seats again. Her desire to leave significantly grew from just watching them battle in silence. She now knew where Jihyun got his intense looks from.

He usually came off reserved and quaint. Of course, MC was privy to his more masochistic and stubborn side but here… here was a whole other level of stubbornness, and she could see where he learned it from.

"Is it too much to ask to meet my grandchildren before I am graced with another milestone?" Mr. Kim coolly retorted which Jihyun evenly matched.

"When it happens, you'll be one of the first to know." Ouch. He probably wouldn't even be the third person notified, if MC had to take a stab.

She thought his narrowed eyes would've been the end of it, but he kept persisting. "Is there something I'm touching on?"

Jihyun didn't say anything, long enough for MC to glance at him with frantic eyes, unsure if she should respond.

"Are you holding Jihyun back?" MC could only stare back flabbergasted at the accusation. Sure she ideally wanted to finish her studies first; although, if something happened she'd embrace it willingly, but she thought it truly was none of his business. Unfortunately, her tongue tripped up for not the first time that night. "I- of course not. Ji-Jihyun's not really said much on the subject-"

"A whole year and you avoided something like this?" He ignored her blustering and spoke to his son. "Are you as serious as you say?"

Jihyun cut in sharply. "Stop." The firmness of his voice was strong but there was an underlying shakiness to it from speaking so candidly. "Please, stop disrespecting MC and our relationship so easily." All she could do was stare as she watched the father and son schism grow wider. "I agreed to you meeting MC because she's important in my life. I'm disappointed you see this as just another opportunity to push your opinions onto me."

Cheif Kim's mask increasingly got harder to read. "Considering how sparse we have been involved in each other's lives, I think you have been out of line. I desire to rekindle our relationship, but I can't continue to do so if you're unwilling to also make those necessary steps."

The dinner cloth from his lap dropped to the side of his half eaten food, and MC took that as her blessed cue to get up.

"Thank you for the meal, father." He gave a stiff bow then stood up as she pushed in her chair. Her arm got taken up before she could properly bow back. "Please, don't contact me unless you intend to apologize."

MC settled for an awkward bow of her head in the short time she had left before Jihyun lead them out of the restaurant and to his car. It was a quiet walk, and she didn't want to disrupt it because she could see his eyes occasionally squint, her only telltale sign that he was working through his emotions.

When they got into the car it was silent. MC sat very still, occasionally glancing at Jihyun who had yet to even put the key into the ignition. He simply sat, fists settled on the tops of his thighs. She didn't know what she could say to him because she knew nothing could change the situation. His father acted selfishly, and nothing she did could change that. She only hoped Jihyun wouldn't take his words and twist them around in that head of his. His mind was his own worst enemy a lot of the time.

"I apologize," he finally whispered, staring into his lap. Immediately, her mouth opened but she was cut off. "I'm sorry I let you be put in that situation."

"You can't control your father."

"No, but I know him. I should've waited. I should've foreseen this. I shouldn't have…" he trailed and frowned. MC could see where his head was at now. He had hoped his father and him had made progress. Jihyun wanted to share something of his life that was more than surface level, but in the end, his efforts were in vain.

She leaned over and placed a hand on his much paler and colder fist. "It's okay to want to have a father. There's no shame in that."

"To cast a rod into the same desolate pond and expect a different result than all the rest is foolish." MC noticed a few spots of water roll down the windshield.

"Maybe… maybe not. Maybe they just moved for the winter and will be back in the summer?" His head turned to give her a tentative, wry smile.

"Thank you, MC."

"No, really!" she urged. "Maybe the fish are on temporary leave or- or vacation. Y'know to their summer house, um, pond? They'll come back sometime, but perhaps it'd be best to move on to a different pond in the meantime?" Her lips pulled into a small encouraging smile. She was never one for metaphors but Jihyun was always fond of them.

He didn't say anything and his gaze drifted to the hand over his balled up one.

"What my father said…" Her stomach churned because she knew something had brewed up there. "About children." It felt like she swallowed lead. "We haven't spoken much on the subject, um. Because of me we would have to use alternative methods- I mean, that is if…" He bit his lip.

"First of all, it's not your fault. Another thing, when is that big brain of yours going to finally absorb that I'm here to stay? So what if we can't have children the regular way? There's plenty of alternatives now to getting people pregnant." She shrugged. "And there's already plenty of kids already out in the world.

"Who says we have to make one of our own when there's perfectly fine children out there." Her hand squeezed his more lax one. "We have time to figure it out. Unless you're planning to be even a bigger old man tomorrow." That prompted a chuckle from him.

"I'll work on it," he responded in a softer tone, and she knew he would. It was already apparent given that this was the first time he voiced his doubt since their conversation many weeks ago.

"I know you will, and I'll be there to help when you need it." She smiled. He looked a lot calmer, more relaxed, and the tension in his body seemed nearly nonexistent now. There was a small chill becoming more obvious as the rain outside grew heavier, so she went to move her hand to pluck the keys from his lap when suddenly her heart jumped ten feet.

Jihyun gently drew back but not so far away that she couldn't feel his breath against her skin. There was a peculiar look of innocence on his face, but his lingering touch with her lips distracted her and made her cheeks flush red.

"One four three," his voice sung lowly in English. MC had never been more glad to have attended cram school in high school. She didn't have to ask to understand what those darn numbers meant.

* * *

**ZEN**: lolol

**ZEN**: Who knew you were actually the one with the untamed beast, lolol

**ZEN**: Aren't you a woman?

**MC**: Hey.

**MC**: Women have needs too!

**ZEN**: I guess you're right, lol.

**ZEN**: Just so damn funny.

**ZEN**: It's just

**ZEN**: You sound like a puppy,

**ZEN**: a very cute puppy,

**ZEN**: who got rewarded by their owner, lolol

MC groaned and exited out of her messages, not bothering to humor Zen and all his jokes. How was it her fault for feeling like she did? It was unfair how one tiny, impossibly sweet kiss from Jihyun made her feel like she was on cloud nine.

Her hands covered her face as she remembered the fleeting sensation. Recollection of how chaste yet prolonged it had been from how slow he had withdrawn made her blush.

It was totally unfair. Her hands slid down her face and she fell back on her pile of pillows on her bed. Did he even understand?

Wanting to distract herself, she went to enter the open chatroom.

**MC has entered the chatroom**

**Saeyoung:** (｀◎△◎)！

**Saeyoung**: It's the bride to be!!

**MC**: Hello to you too… bride to what?

**V**: We were conversing about the purpose of life.

**Yoosung☆**: Existentialism :)

**MC**: I'm sorry. I still don't understand.

**Zen has entered the chatroom**

**Jihyun**: Hello, Hyun!

**ZEN**: Hey, Jihyun.

**ZEN**: MC.

**MC**: Zen.

**Yoosung☆**: Did I miss something?

**Saeyoung**: Hey, sexy ♡ (˘ ω˘>)ԅ

**ZEN**: That sounds creepy coming from you;;

**Saeyoung**: That's sexist!!

**MC**: YEAH ZEN THAT'S SEXIST.

**ZEN**: Okay;;;;

**ZEN**: It's just because it's Saeyoung. Something about you gives me the chills.

**ZEN**: It's like my allergy. I can't help my reaction.

**Saeyoung**: So you're saying

**Saeyoung**: you wouldn't mind if another guy said it,

**ZEN**: Yeah, sure.

**Saeyoung**: like Jihyun

**ZEN**: I guess?

**Saeyoung**: or Yoosung

**ZEN**: Might be cute.

**Saeyoung**: or Saeran

**ZEN**: Ya.

**Saeyoung**: or Jumin?

**ZEN**: Ya.

**Saeyoung**: ♡ (˘ ω˘>)ԅ

**Saeyoung**: ♡ (˘ ω˘>)ԅ

**ZEN**: NO.

**ZEN**: QAIT!

**Saeyoung**: ୧(▔∀▔´)۶

**Saeyoung**: Let my ship sail~

**MC**: Wow, Zen. Can't say I'm too surprised.

**ZEN**: _|￣|`⑱ ;;

**Yoosung☆**: Another RFA couple?

**Yoosung☆**: v°(˵⌒﹏ ⌒˵)°v

**ZEN**: (눈__눈)

**ZEN**: Only in that guy's dreams.

**Jihyun**: Are you presuming what Jumin dreams about?

**ZEN**: Not you too, Jihyun;;;

**Jihyun**: ✿*:･(⌒‿⌒)*:･✿

**ZEN**: Can we please change the subject???

**Yoosung☆**: Oh! I read a play today for my modern literature class,

**Yoosung☆**: and it was really interesting.

**MC**: What was it about?

**Yoosung☆**: It was basically a gender reverse fairy tale!

**Yoosung☆**: But the characters in this play actually had personality.

**Yoosung☆**: I think they said the community theater was going to produce it.

**ZEN**: Really? Which one?

**Yoosung☆**: Hmm, I forgot, hehe. I'll ask my professor next class.

**Yoosung☆**: But the plot reminded me of Jihyun and MC!

**Jihyun**: Us? How so?

**ZEN**: Isn't it obvious? lolol

**Saeyoung**: Yeah.

**Saeyoung**: MC is the heroic heroine,

**Saeyoung**: And you were the beauty in distress.

**Jihyun**:（＾_＾）;;

**Jihyun**: Is that how you all saw things?

**Yoosung☆**: Well, something like that. I don't think you were totally helpless.

**Yoosung☆**: I don't know if I could've did what you did.

**Yoosung☆**: So maybe it was more like

**Yoosung☆**: the knight who got help from a wandering heroine!

**ZEN**: Lol, yeah knight.

**ZEN**: I couldn't imagine Jihyun as a defenseless princess.

**Saeyoung**: You should take notes for next Halloween, Jihyun.

**ZEN**: LOLOL

**Jihyun**: Haha;;

**MC**: Oh my. Jihyun in princess attire?

**Saeyoung**: Is your interest piqued?

**Saeyoung**: ♡ (˘ ω˘>)ԅ

**Jihyun**: Let's just stick to Wisney merchandise ;;;

**Saeyoung**: Awwww

**Jihyun**: Speaking of, MC,

**MC**: ?

**Jihyun**: I left that over at your apartment for you last night.

**MC**: Ah! Yes. Thank you <3

**MC**: I was surprised at first by your tastes...

**Jihyun**: Are you by chance wearing it?

**Jihyun**: :)

**ZEN**: OHMYGOSH

**Saeyoung**: My virgin ears!!

**ZEN**: (눈__눈)

**ZEN**: Yeah, right. You a virgin?

**ZEN**: Don't make me laugh.

**Saeyoung**: Yoosung’s virgin ears!!

**Yoosung☆**: ┌(◣д◢)ㄱ

**MC**: You guys are so dirty!!

**MC**: Jihyun just bought me a gift…

**Jihyun**: Do you like it?

**MC**: I didn't think you were a Cars fan…

**Saeyoung**: MC, you have reason to be worried.

**MC**: I think we need to talk later.

**Saeyoung**: Our poor RFA bean, tsk tsk.

**Yoosung☆**: Not the worst Wisney series but not the best either...

**Jihyun**: (° ‸ °)!

**Jihyun**: Do you not like them either, Hyun?

**ZEN**: I've no clue what you guys are talking about.

**Jihyun**: We should watch the movies together sometime, Hyun.

**Jihyun**: I'll take your head shots in return :))

**ZEN**: Oh… well, sure!

**MC**: NO!

**Saeyoung**: Don't let him bewitch you with his charming smile!! (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू)

**Author's Note:**

> This was kinda hard to write (might've been obvious). I was surprised. I had to stop multiple times when writing, lol.  
Thanks for clicking and happy reading!  
~WAC


End file.
